


The Meaning of Freedom

by Neko_ryn



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Addiction to adrenaline, Adrenaline, Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Illegal Activities, M/M, Street Racing, Therapy, controlling parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25835173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neko_ryn/pseuds/Neko_ryn
Summary: Sanghyuk's parents have always been very controlling, and the way he deals with it is through street racing. When he's on his motorcycle, riding against the wind, he finally feels free. That is until he meets the cute barista Baek Zuho, who makes him challenge his perception of what it truly means to be free.
Relationships: Baek Juho | Zuho/Lee Sanghyuk | Dawon
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17
Collections: Melody Fic Fest





	The Meaning of Freedom

**Author's Note:**

> At first I wasn't convinced with this idea. I didn't know what to do with the songs I was given! I still feel like the story doesn't entirely click with them, but I ended up loving his little one shot so, so much. It's my first time writing for SF9, but I truly hope you enjoy this work!

Sanghyuk pulled up on the sidewalk and turned the engine off. He took off his helmet and checked his cellphone to make sure he had arrived at the right place to pick the order. He had never picked up orders from this particular cafe before, but the client seemed to like it very much judging by the fact that she had ordered a lot. Sanghyuk didn’t quite see what was so charming about this cute cafe with small, overpriced portions of food. That was until he pulled to the counter and was met by the cutest barista he had seen. Ever.

To be fair, Sanghyuk’s first thought hadn’t been  _ cute _ , not exactly. More like  _ extremely handsome _ . The man, who based on the name tag was called Zuho, was taller than him and had coal black hair. He was all sharp features, and even his eyes had a certain sharpness to them that could be considered threatening or scary. Sanghyuk kind of wondered why they would put someone like that in customer service. And then Zuho smiled.

Zuho’s lips moved as he said something, probably asking Sanghyuk what he wanted to order, but Sanghyuk stared instead, wide eyed and mouth agape. It wasn’t until Zuho’s smile turned into a frown that he snapped out of it. The stark realization that he had probably become an unpleasant client in Zuho’s shift hit him like a train and he wished for the sweet release of death before quickly composing himself and taking out his cellphone.

“I’m coming to pick up the order under Lee Sanha’s name.” Sanghyuk showed him the cellphone and Zuho noded, smile returning to his lips, but this time looking more uncertain.

“I’ll be right back.” Zuho nodded.

While Zuho went to pick up the order, Sanghyuk moved to the side to let the other employee attend the one person behind him. As he waited, Sanghyuk cursed himself in all the ways he knew for acting like a creep. He hadn’t meant to come off as one, but how else do you react to someone who looks like  _ that _ . When Zuho returned and handed him his order, Sanghyuk had the brilliant idea to try to engage him.

“Do you come here often?” He asked, without thinking much, because apparently he never thought much at all. Zuho looked down at his uniform and Sanghyuk winced.

“I work here…” Zuho mumbled, a clear combination of disconcerted and mildly uncomfortable.

“Right, I’m just going to see myself out. Thanks a lot!” Sanghyuk grabbed the order and turned around.

He had never left an establishment faster.

* * *

The next time Sanghyuk visited the cafe where Zuho worked at, it was out of his own free will and in his free time from studying and being a delivery man. It was kind of tough balancing everything in his life like that, but he made it work. He had come there with a plan, which basically consisted of not embarrassing himself like last time. It wasn’t a very detailed plan, but he could probably make it work.

Everything at the little coffee shop was a little expensive, so Sanghyuk was glad that he had some savings to spare, since he didn’t want to look cheap in front of Zuho. On the other hand, he had no idea what to order. It was hot outside, so an iced Americano would help with that, but what could he accompany it with. As he went back and forth in his mind trying to choose what to eat, it was his turn to order.

“What can I get you?” Zuho asked as he closed the register, but as he looked up, his expression turned into one of confusion. “I don’t think we have any delivery orders right now.”

Zuho recognized him! Sanghyuk had to hold himself back to not react in a suspicious way. The cute barista remembered him! Which was probably not a good thing, in reality, since Sanghyuk had embarrassed himself quite badly the first time he had been there. Still, this was his chance of fixing it.  _ Don’t embarrass yourself.  _ He repeated in his mind. It was probably too early to outright flirt with Zuho, but maybe he could make a delicate attempt.

“I’m not working today, just wanted to come up for a cup of coffee.” Sanghyuk explained. “I noticed that the view was quite pleasant last time I was here.” He winked, smiling widely.

Zuho looked around, disconcerted. All the windows pointed to a perfectly common city view present in any other cafe. He looked back at Sanghyuk, who was still looking at him with a smile that widened slightly the more Zuho took to catch up. Until he did, and a soft pink blush spread from his neck all the way to his ears.

“Ah,” he exclaimed, at a loss for words. “W-What can I get you?” Zuho asked instead, trying to get over with it quickly. Sanghyuk smiled and decided to be merciful.

“One iced americano and… Whatever pastry is your favorite from here.” He still hadn’t decided what to eat, so he might as well try his luck.

“Alright.” Zuho nodded, blush turning red. He quietly rang the items and gave him his ticket, which Sanghyuk took before going to take a seat.

It was endearing how small Zuho looked when he was embarrassed, when in reality he was quite big and looked just slightly scary when he wasn’t smiling. After a little while, his order was delivered to his table: an iced americano and a blueberry muffin. Despite the simplicity, the muffin was actually quite big and smelled delicious, and Sanghyuk felt his own stomach growl.

He grabbed the muffin and gave Zuho a look before biting into it. Zuho was watching him intently, tapping his fingers rhythmically as he waited for Sanghyuk’s reaction. Sanghyuck closed his eyes. The muffin was delicious indeed; it was soft and warm, and the blueberries popped sweetly in his mouth. He smiled and opened his eyes again, noticing how Zuho was looking away now, but there was a smile in his face.

* * *

Sanghyuk’s legs were pressed tight to his motorcycle as the wind hit him with force. The speed filled him with adrenaline and he let out an exhilarated laugh as he pressed his chest closer to the motorcycle and followed the direction of the street to the right. He knew he was first place and that no one was even remotely close to him, and that filled him with satisfaction.

He took a sharp turn to the left, laughing maniacally when his bike almost tipped over, and finally he saw the finish line. He pushed his motorcycle to run over the last trek and into the red ribbon that marked the end. There was an explosion of cheering as he ripped the ribbon in half and slowed down until he was able to get off. Everyone surrounded him immediately and he took off his helmet, raising his arms and letting out a scream of victory.

The rest of the racers arrived one by one, taking the second and third places, and so on, until everyone had made it there. He stood on the makeshift podium, on top of where it said first place, and the other competitors took the second and third places next to him. The crowd cheered again and they bowed, before they were called to the pretend office where they would be given their money prize.

Youngbin was sitting there, looking quite pleased with himself. He congratulated the three of them with some warm words and a few flattering gestures, before pulling out the envelopes that corresponded to the them. He gave the second place envelope to Youngkyun, a serious faced kid whom Sanghyuk had never seen smile. The third place money went to Bomin, their youngest racer and a very nice kid.

When the two of them were gone, Sanghyuk sat on top of Youngbin’s desk and grinned widely, showing him both hands as if asking for the money. Youngbin scoffed and put the envelope on his hands, pushing off the desk. Sanghyuk took a seat on a nearby chair instead and counted his prize.

“You’ve been a lot more reckless these last few races, you know?” Youngbin pointed out, leaning back on his chair. “You might want to be careful, I don’t want my best racer to get hurt.”

“You’re just worried about me because I attract clients.” Sanghyuk pouted. “Not because I’m your best friend.”

“You’re the only one who thinks you’re my best friend,” Youngbin joked, shaking his head.

“Wow, you’re an asshole!” Sanghyuk laughed, satisfied with the amount and putting it safely in his pocket.

“You gotta be an asshole to survive in this industry,” Youngbin shrugged. “But seriously, you’ve been a lot more careless these days, did something happen?”

“I met someone,” Sanghyuk replying immediately, grinning widely as he thought of Zuho.

He’d been going to the coffee shop for a few weeks now, almost two months. He had become a regular despite how expensive the food was at that place, and Zuho had finally opened up to him and they had begun to talk. Zuho was actually quite funny, and he got shy quite easily, which was irresistible to someone as playful as Sanghyuk.

“Oh no, is my best friend in love?” Youngbin whistled. “Is it one of the new racers? Someone from the public? A fan?”

“You just said I’m the only one who thinks I’m your best friend,” Sanghyuk glared at him, but Youngbin only shrugged. “None of those, though,” Sanghyuk sighed. “He’s definitely a stranger to the world of illegal racing.”

“Oh so it’s a man this time,” Youngbin grinned. “It’s been a long time since you’ve dated anyone, but I’m honestly not sure dating someone outside of this field is wise.”

“I’m not wise Youngbin, I’m impulsive,” Sanghyuk muttered, playing with a loose strand of his leather jacket.

“I’m glad we’re on the same page!” Youngbin said. “Is he cute? Taller or shorter? Tell me about him before I get tired of you and kick you out.”

“You’re a terrible friend,” Sanghyuk pouted again. “He’s a bit taller than me, but not much. His features are so sharp he looks intimidating, but his smile is really sweet… He’s a year younger than me and I finally got him to call me hyung!” Sanghyuk exclaimed, covering his face with excitement.

“Wow, you must really like him,” Youngbin’s eyes opened wide. “I have not seen you like this in a long while.”

“I want to ask him on a date, but I  _ know _ he’s too good for me,” Sanghyuk sighed, putting his hands down.

“We’re still on the same page, that’s nice,” Youngbin nodded, gaining himself a glare from Sanghyuk. “I think you should ask him on a date though, worse thing that happens is he says no, in which case I bet you can still be friends. Besides, when have you ever hesitated about doing something?”

“You’re right, I’m Lee Sanghyuk, I do not think, I act.”

“Don’t call yourself stupid, that’s sad.”

“Shut up.”

* * *

Despite his claims, it took Sanghyuk a week to prepare himself to ask Zuho out. He convinced himself he was too busy with deliveries and college projects and took one week away from the coffee shop to prepare himself mentally. When he finally went back, it didn’t escape to him the look of surprise on Zuho’s face and the wide smile he tried to hide right after. That, at the very least, encouraged him to make the question.

“Hyung…” Zuho said once Sanghyuk reached the front of the line. “You haven’t been here in a while, is everything okay?”

“Are you worried for me?” Sanghyuk smiled widely, happy that Zuho had thought of him. Zuho blushed softly and nodded. “I was busy with work and college, I’m about to finish my major and things are hectic.”

“Oh… okay, I’m glad you’re fine.” Zuho smiled softly. It was almost funny, because his voice was actually quite deep and his face just didn’t match his personality. Sanghyuk liked that about him. “What do you want to order today?”

“An iced americano and a blueberry muffin,” Sanghyuk said easily. “I would also like to talk to you during your break, if you can?”

“Yeah, of course,” Zuho was quick to nod as he registered the order. “I’m hungry right now, actually, do you mind if I join you to eat?”

“Not at all,” Sanghyuk smiled as he paid and then went to sit at a table. 

After a little while, Zuho brought Sanghyuk’s order and his own lunch and sat in front of him. They ate in silence for the first few minutes, while Zuho moved his leg nervously up and down as he waited for Sanghyuk to speak. Sanghyuk was just as nervous, tapping the plastic cup incessantly until he finally made up his mind. It was now or never.

“Would you go on a date with me?” Sanghyuk finally asked.

Zuho stared at him with wide open eyes. It was not what he had expected but, deep inside, still what he had hoped for. Yet, he didn’t know how to properly react to being asked out. Zuho knew Sanghyuk was interested in him, of course, because the older male had made it quite obvious, but somehow he still wasn’t prepared to react to being asked out by him.

“Okay,” he ended up saying, because his heart was beating too fast for him to say anything else.

Sanghyuk stared for a few seconds as he processed the answer, and then his face broke into a wide smile. He leaned towards Zuho, who leaned back a bit surprised, and made a short celebratory gesture with his hands. Zuho laughed at this, because it was funny, and because he too was happy about it.

“When is your next break?” Sanghyuk was quick to ask, mind racing.

“This weekend, actually,” Zuho smiled. “I got the Sunday break this week.”

“Great,” Sanghyuk nodded. “I’ll pick you up, just tell me where. I already have a few things planned.”

“Really?” Zuho’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, I want to show you more about myself,” Sanghyuk smiled. “I actually like you quite a lot,” he softly scratched his cheek, embarrassed of his own confession. He missed the way Zuho’s face blushed a bright red. “But we don’t know each other that well yet, so I want to show you more about myself.”

“I’ll be happy to learn, then.” Zuho smiled, pushing a bite of his lunch into his mouth to hide his embarrassment.

Sanghyuk smiled as well, trying to contain his excitement. He wanted to run around and tell everyone about his date, but for now, he was content just eating with Zuho. He couldn’t wait for Sunday to come.

* * *

Zuho was nervous. It was evident in the way he kept unlocking his cellphone to read the last message Sanghyuk had sent, a simple “I’m on my way to pick you up”. Sanghyuk had asked him to dress comfortably because they would be riding in his motorcycle, so Zuho had picked a pair of black ripped jeans with a white, long-sleeved shirt. The v-neck was a little low, but it made him look a little more dressed up when he half-tugged it into the jeans. 

He had decided not to fix his hair since wearing the helmet would ruin his hairdo, and instead just let it fall over his forehead. His younger brother used to say that made him look less intimidating. Truth be told, Zuho didn’t get many dates. He was shy, so it was hard for him to smile sometimes, which often made him look cold and unapproachable. It had been a surprise to him when Sanghyuk had first tried to flirt.

Now that they had known each other for over two months, Zuho had started to like him a little bit. Sanghyuk was funny and hard working, and he always tried to make time to visit Zuho’s workplace even if the food there was a bit expensive due to the brand and location. Zuho liked this, because no one had ever put so much effort into being his friend, and even more so into trying to date him. 

Sanghyuk had that bad boy air to him sometimes, which still made him feel a bit unsure, but he had promised to show his true self to Zuho that day, so he was excited to know more. He was also really nervous, because it had been a long time since he had last gone in a date. So he went to check his chatroom with Sanghyuk once more, except this time there was a new message.

“ _ I’m outside your place.” _

It read, and Zuho jumped up from his bed, panicked. He quickly tapped his pockets to make sure he was carrying his wallet and checked his phone battery, which was almost full. He walked towards the door of his one-bedroom apartment and stopped in front of the restroom, quickly popping in to make sure he looked good. He did, but that didn’t stop the worries he was feeling.

Zuho forced himself to leave the apartment and walk all the way to the first floor, because he didn’t have the nerves to wait for the elevator. He stopped right in front of the main entrance to take a deep breath. He could vaguely see the silhouette of Sanghyuk, which made his heart beat faster. Zuho forced himself to calm down before stepping out, frowning slightly from the brightness of the sun.

“Hyung!” He called as he walked towards Sanghyuk, who looked up and opened his mouth wide. Zuho did the same, because Sanghyuk looked different. “Your hair!” He exclaimed.

Sanghyuk had gotten a hairdo. He had gotten an undercut and dyed his hair a sandy blond. It looked really good on him, but Sanghyuk seemed to interpret his reaction as something else, because he immediately became worried. He grabbed a strand of hair and rubbed it between his fingers, clearly concerned about Zuho’s opinion.

“Is it bad?” Sanghyuk asked. “I got it on impulse because I was really worried about today.”

“And your solution was to get a brand new hairstyle?” Zuho smiled, endeared.

“It’s therapeutic!” Sanghyuk complained, a bit defensive.

“It looks really good on you,” Zuho said instead, making Sanghyuk blush profusely.

“Well, you look great in that shirt,” Sanghyuk retorted with a cheeky smile, making Zuho blush this time.

“Let’s just go,” Zuho quickly said, gaining himself a laugh from Sanghyuk.

They walked towards the motorcycle and Sanghyuk offered Zuho a black helmet and helped him put it on when he saw Zuho fumbling with the straps. Then he put his own helmet on and got on the motorcycle. Zuho got on behind him and tentatively put his hands on Sanghyuk’s shoulders, feeling his heart begin to raise again. Sanghyuk turned slightly to look at him.

“You know, you can hold onto my waist if you want, no need to be shy.” He commented before looking forward and putting the shield down.

Zuho was embarrassed by the comment and said nothing in return, but he still wrapped his arms around Sanghyuk’s middle, feeling a bit safer doing so. He couldn’t see it, but Sanghyuk was smiling wide behind his helmet. The engine started and they left the apartment complex. Zuho had never rode on a motorcycle, and he had always guessed they would feel wobbly and unsafe, but it was almost like it was an extension of Sanghyuk. He drove carefully and not too fast, making sure that Zuho felt safe, and he appreciated that.

They went to a lot of places. First, Sanghyuk took him to eat lunch at a little home-made meals restaurant that Sanghyuk was a regular of. The food was delicious and Zuho felt immediately comfortable, while also learning a lot about Sanghyuk’s life. He was friends with the restaurant owner, a woman in his middle fifties who loved to tease him and tell Zuho funny stories about Sanghyuk’s childhood. 

After that, they went to an aquarium. It was a classical date spot, but Zuho enjoyed it a lot nonetheless since he hadn’t been there in a long time. They talked a lot about each other. They talked about their families and their majors, about where and how they had grown up and how they had made their way to Seoul. They talked about their hobbies and aspirations and it was just so easy to talk to Sanghyuk, so easy to feel comfortable around him, that Zuho found himself wishing for the date to not be over.

Then Sanghyuk took him to buy all sorts of snacks at the convenience store and they had an impromptu picnic at the Han River. They ate everything and then Zuho offered his thighs as a pillow, because Sanghyuk had been driving the whole day. Sanghyuk gladly accepted and they watched the sunset together like that, in a comfortable silence. After a little while, Sanghyuk looked up at him. He seemed hesitant, so Zuho waited in silence until he talked.

“There’s something else I want to show you,” Sanghyuk said, “but I’m worried you might not like it.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Zuho pushed his fringe aside, looking down to be able to look at Sanghyuk better.

“Well, it’s a big part of me, but it’s a bit…” Sanghyuk gestured with his hands, trying to come up with the right words.

“Why don’t you leave the judgement up to me?” Zuho interrupted, seeing Sanghyuk was getting nowhere. “Show me, and then we can talk.”

Despite what he had said, Zuho hadn’t expected Sanghyuk’s secret to be illegal racing. He was a bit wary as he went to join the spectators, who were watching from a screen the transmission of drones strategically placed in different spots of the track. Zuho was worried. He had heard of these kinds of activities, but he didn’t know much about them other than they were illegal, which was a thing to be worried about.

Sanghyuk greeted the rest of the competitors with familiarity while he checked the state of his motorcycle and prepared to run. Zuho had to admit that he felt the spark of adrenaline deep in his chest: he was excited to see how things worked, how it turned out. The participants went to their places and there was a countdown from three to one. All of the racers basically shoot out towards the city, and Zuho couldn’t help but scream with the rest of the viewers.

His eyes immediately focused on the screen as he did his best to follow Sanghyuk through the cameras. He was going so fast, nothing compared to how he had driven Zuho around during the rest of their date. Zuho had his heart in his throat, he was worried for Sanghyuk’s safety as he went through the city at incredible speed, but he was also excited and found himself rooting for Sanghyuk. He wanted to see him win.

Sanghyuk quickly climbed from third place to first place, and Zuho yelled louder than anyone when he saw him take the lead. The race ended so fast, and he soon saw Sanghyuk cross the finish line. He followed the rest of the crowd towards the podium, where the winners were standing now. Sanghyuk’s smile was wide even when he was covered in sweat and breathing hard from the adrenaline.

They were able to reunite once the crowd dispersed and Sanghyuk had claimed his prize money. All of Sanghyuk’s confidence dissipated as he approached Zuho. He was clearly worried about Zuho rejecting him, but Zuho was smiling wide, calmly waiting for him as he talked to some of the other audience members.

“So, what do you think of it?” Sanghyuk asked, as he scratched the back of his head.

“I’m a little concerned about the legal aspects of all of this,” Zuho commented, but he was still smiling. “But you looked really happy while racing, and after winning, so I guess I don’t mind it as much as you thought I would.” Sanghyuk’s expression brightened. “Besides, it was fun to watch, I can see why you like it.”

“Thank you…” Sanghyuk muttered, a smile plastered on his face. “Let me take you home now.”

“Sure, let’s go.”

* * *

They began dating a few months later. They continued going on dates and Zuho had continued going to see him compete, and it all happened after one particular race. It had been a difficult race for Sanghyuk, there was a new competitor that was almost as good as him, and Sanghyuk had been struggling the whole race to stay in first place. Zuho had been at the edge of his seat, cheering for him even though Sanghyuk couldn’t hear him.

In the end, Sanghyuk had won, crossing the line only a few seconds before the other competitor, and Zuho had run towards him without thinking. He grabbed Sanghyuk by the face and kissed him, prompting everyone around them to scream. Sanghyuk had been too shocked to kiss him back at first, and Zuho had stepped back thinking maybe he had fucked up. But then Sanghyuk pulled closer and kissed him again, this time properly.

They began dating right then, after their first kiss. Sanghyuk was ecstatic, the happiest he’d ever been because he genuinely liked Zuho like he had liked no one before. Even when they began dating, he continued to visit Zuho at his workplace every time he could, never getting enough of his now boyfriend. They went on even more dates, and Sanghyuk even got to meet Zuho’s family once.

“Stay at my place tonight,” Zuho told him after one particular date.

Sanghyuk’s heart had almost jumped out of his chest when he asked him to stay, but he had accepted with no hesitation. They were both nervous, cautious, and the air around them was charged with tension. They were sat on Zuho’s couch watching a movie when Zuho grabbed Sanghyuk’s hand and began playing with his fingers. Sanghyuk looked at him. Zuho’s attention was completely focused on his hand, and he seemed a little nervous.

He retrieved his hand and kneeled on the couch, facing Zuho, who turned to look at him. Sanghyuk leaned towards him, placing a hand on the armrest behind Zuho to support himself, as his face hovered just a few centimeters away from Zuho’s. They looked at each other for a few seconds. Sanghyuk’s eyes traveled down to his lips and lingered there for a few seconds.

“Can I kiss you?” Sanghyuk asked. His voice was almost a whisper.

“Why are you even asking?” Zuho muttered, wrapping his arms around Sanghyuk’s neck and pulling him into a kiss.

The movie was left forgotten.

* * *

After they had begun dating, Sanghyuk liked to pretend his life was perfect. It wasn’t, but as long as he met with Zuho often and he ignored his parents’ phone calls, he was as happy as he could be. He didn’t necessarily hate his parents, but he just couldn’t stand them. They were always hovering above him, meddling with his life as much as they could; the only freedom he had was that he lived alone, and he had only gained that after promising to study the major they wanted.

Sanghyuk was happy he was almost done with college. He didn’t necessarily hate his major, but he didn’t love it either, as he was doing everything just to please his parents. He was supposed to report to them every week so they could know if he had any important tests to present or projects to deliver. Sanghyuk’s calls had become less common after he began dating Zuho though, and while he had thought it would certainly cause problems with his parents, he had never expected to find his mother knocking on his door.

“Mom?” Sanghyuk asked, eyes wide in surprise, after he had opened the door.

“Sanghyuk! You’re alive!” She exclaimed with just a drop of sarcasm, making her way into Sanghyuk’s apartment without asking.

“What are you doing here?” He closed the door and followed after her, trying to control the anger in his voice as she checked every inch of the apartment.

“Well, you haven’t been reporting to your father and I as you promised, so I came to check in on you.” She put her bag on Sanghyuk’s couch and moved to his bedroom. “The place is not bad, it could use a little more cleaning, don’t forget your self-discipline.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to  _ come _ all the way here, I just forgot because I’ve been busy!” Sanghyuk complained, trying to guide his mother out of his room.

“You  _ forgot _ ?” She scoffed. “And what does that say about your responsibilities? Forgetting is not an option, Sanghyuk.”

“I know mom, I won’t forget again, okay?” Sanghyuk groaned. “Can you just leave?”

His mother looked at him before looking behind him, spotting something on the bed. She made her way around him and grabbed a hoodie which she didn’t recognize. Sanghyuk panicked for a moment and rushed towards her, grabbing the hoodie and shoving it behind him. It was Zuho’s, and his parents didn’t know about him.

“That is not yours,” she affirmed.

“It is, you’ve just never seen it before,” Sanghyuk insisted, but his mother wasn’t having it.

“It’s way too big for you,” she huffed. “I know you’re an adult, and you’re free to date whoever you want, but you it will get between you and your studies. Can’t you wait until you at least get a stable job? It’s going to get in the way of your success.”

“That’s not going to happen, mom,” Sanghyuk muttered, his jaw hurt from how hard he was trying to contain his anger. 

“If you say so,” his mother shook her head. “Go back to your weekly reports, if you miss another one, your father and I will make you return home, alright?” She turned around and walked back to the living room.

“What?!” Sanghyuk yelled, following behind her. “You can’t do that!”

“We can, we had a deal, remember?” She picked up her purse and walked towards the door. “You report to us and keep good grades and we let you live alone.”

Sanghyuk wanted to scream, but he couldn’t put a show in front of his mother, as it would only make things worse. He followed her to the door and opened it for her, she turned around and gave him a cold kiss on the cheek. Her displays of affection had never felt warm to him.

“Study well, Sanghyuk,” she said as a form of goodbye. “I love you.”

And just like that, she was walking away from his door. Sanghyuk closed the door behind him and punched it. He was so fed up with the attitudes of his parents, always obsessed with success, money and recognition. Sanghyuk didn’t want any of that, but to be fair, he didn’t know what he wanted at all. He had never been given an opportunity to choose, and now his mother was event trying to meddle in his relationships.

He was tired, and cranky, and wanted desperately to forget his mother’s visit had even happened, so he went to the corner store to buy as much as cheap beer as he could and then he holed up in his room. He observed Zuho’s hoodie, discarded on his bed, and decided to put it on. Zuho had worn it recently, and it still smelled of him, which helped comfort him a little.

Sanghyuk drank until his heart finally felt peace. He could still remember his mother’s visit, but he could no longer feel annoyed by it, he could no longer feel anything but a numbing bliss. He grabbed his phone and pressed the quick dial to Zuho’s number. He answered after a couple of beats, sounding groggy with sleep and worried for the late call.

“Hyung? Is everything alright?” Zuho asked.

“Not really,” Sanghyuk slurred his words a little. There was a short silence on the line before Zuho spoke again.

“Are you drunk? What happened?” Zuho sounded slightly more awake, a little more alarmed.

“Don’t panic, I’m fine,” Sanghyuk sighed. “I had a bit of an argument with my mom, I guess.” It couldn’t really be called an argument when his mother had simply given orders and he hadn’t been given a chance to reply, like always. There was shuffling on the other side of the line.

“I’m coming to your apartment,” Zuho said quickly, and Sanghyuk could hear him changing clothes.

“Zuho, no, it’s very late,” Sanghyuk rubbed his eyes, sounding urgent. “It’s dangerous, I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll take a taxi, be there in fifteen minutes tops,” Zuho ignored Sanghyuk’s words. “Please leave the door unlocked for me.”

Zuho hung up and Sanghyuk sighed, knowing he couldn’t really do anything to keep him from coming, and admitting to himself that he wanted Zuho to be there. Thirteen minutes later, Zuho was locking the door of Sanghyuk’s apartment after himself and shuffling to his bedroom. He found his boyfriend curled up on the floor, a bunch of empty cans on his little floor table, and wearing his hoodie.

He carefully woke him up, tapping on his cheeks softly until Sanghyuk responded and looked at him. Sanghyuk smiled widely, eyes closed as he let out a chuckle, as if he found Zuho’s presence funny. With a little bit of effort, he carried him to bed and took off his jeans to let him sleep more comfortably. When he tried to take off the hoodie, Sanghyuk swatted him off and demanded it stay put.

“Why are you even wearing my hoodie?” Zuho chuckled as he cuddled next to Sanghyuk, passing an arm over his waist. “It’s too big on you.”

“It smelled of you,” Sanghyuk mumbled, nuzzling Zuho’s chest.

Zuho hummed in response, a little too embarrassed by the answer to say something, but finding it endearing nonetheless. Sanghyuk had never gotten drunk like that before, so he guessed it had been a sensitive fight, and he wanted to comfort him. Zuho caressed Sanghyuk’s hair softly, slowly lulling himself to sleep as well.

“Zuho…” Sanghyuk mumbled after a while. Zuho replied with a soft hum, too tired to speak. “You’re the most important person in my life, did you know?” Sanghyuk’s words were a bit slurred from exhaustion and the effect of the alcohol. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy…” Zuho’s heart squeezed inside his chest, and he felt compelled to bring Sanghyuk closer. “Thank you for being by my side.”

He didn’t know what to say, how to reply, but he wanted to cry. No one had ever told him those words before, and they made him so happy it hurt. His chest felt tight from how hard his heart was beating, but he didn’t think anything he could say back would ever be enough. Zuho still had to try, though.

“I’ll always be here.”

* * *

As Sanghyuk’s finals approached, he began seeing Zuho less and less. He needed to get perfect results to prove to his parents that he could maintain a relationship while studying and getting himself a job, but he ended up apologizing to Zuho almost every day when he couldn’t go see him. He was also very stressed all the time, and he was starting to participate in more races than usual.

He raced and raced, and the adrenaline provided a temporary relief for him, kepting from tipping over the edge. Sanghyuk couldn’t notice it himself, but Youngbin often warned him that he was going too fast, that he was being too reckless. He did listen to him, but he couldn’t kept but want to go even faster, as it was getting harder to feel the surge of adrenaline as the days passed.

Eventually, the unthinkable happened and the police went to raid one of their races. Sanghyuk drove as fast as he could and went to the only place he could think of to seek for shelter: Zuho’s apartment. He was breathing hard when he got off his motorcycle and walked towards the entrance, his skin buzzing with the excitement of the chase. He shouldn’t feel so excited about running away from the police, but it was the best he had felt in days.

The guard let him in easy enough, recognizing him from the countless times he had visited Zuho over the months they had been dating. He ran up the stairs, still buzzing with adrenaline, until he was in front of Zuho’s door. He knocked a few times until the door opened, and Zuho was on the other side, looking at him with wide eyes and an open mouth.

“Hyung, what are you doing here?” He asked as he opened the door more, letting Sanghyuk in.

“We might have gotten in trouble with the police,” Sanghyuk commented, pacing around the room, still riding on the energy boost.

“You what?!” Zuho exclaimed, grabbing Sanghyuk by the shoulders and forcing him to stop. “How did you get in trouble with the police?”

“I went running tonight, and we were found by the police, so we all scattered.” Sanghyuk explained, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. “I don’t think they identified me since I left pretty quickly.”

“You went racing?” Zuho asked, letting his arms fall to his side as his expression fell.

“Yes, I needed to let some steam off, the stress of college is driving me crazy,” Sanghyuk nodded as he grabbed Zuho’s hand, unaware of the change in his mood.

“Why didn’t you invite me?”

“It was a very spontaneous decision, I wasn’t planning on going today.”

“And what about yesterday, and the day before?” Zuho yanked his hand away, anger filling him up. “Youngbin called to ask why I hadn’t gone recently, he was worried we had broken up.”

“What?” Sanghyuk asked, confused.

“You said you were busy because of college, but you’ve been going racing every single fucking day, hyung,” Zuho couldn’t help the way his voice rose. He felt betrayed and lied to. “You could have invited me, I don’t mind not going to fancy dates with you, I just want to spend time with you, we’re dating!”

They hadn’t seen each other for weeks, and Zuho had been waiting, giving Sanghyuk time to approach him first and talk things out. But now he came, not even asking Zuho how he was, going on about almost getting in trouble with the police when he didn’t even look sorry. Rather he looked excited, ecstatic, and Zuho couldn’t stand it.

“I just didn’t want you to see me all stressed out like that!” Sanghyuk quickly excused himself. “I did go there almost everyday but it was to let steam off. College has been hell and my parents aren’t making it any better.”

“And why didn’t you come to me, your boyfriend? Not even a call?” Zuho sounded exasperated, sad. “Was I supposed to learn from Youngbin that you almost get into two accidents for speeding? Were you planning on telling me?”

“I’m sorry…” Sanghyuk was speechless, he didn’t know what else to say.

“I think you should stop racing for a while,” Zuho sighed, covering his face.

“What?!” Sanghyuk exclaimed, immediately feeling defensive.

“This is not healthy, you’re going to end up killing yourself!” Zuho raised his voice as well.

“Look, if you’re angry about me not paying you attention, or whatever, I get that, I’ll be a better boyfriend,” Sanghyuk retorted, not stopping even when Zuho’s expression broke down, full of hurt. “But don’t take away from me the only thing that makes me feel like I’m free, like I’m me.”

“I thought I did that,” Zuho muttered, dropping his hands in defeat and walking towards his room.

“What…” Sanghyuk came to a realization of what he had said, and he hurried behind Zuho, grabbing his hand. “Wait, Zuho no, I- I didn’t mean to say that-”

“No, I get it,” Zuho’s voice was a whisper. “You love racing more than you love me, that is perfectly clear.” He pulled Sanghyuk’s hand away, harshly. “You’re free to stay until things with the police have calmed down, but if you still have any respect for me, you won’t try to bother me anymore. We’re over Sanghyuk, good night.”

Zuho went into his room immediately after that, leaving a speechless Sanghyuk behind. He bit his hand as he leaned on the door and slid down to the floor, muffling his own crying and hoping Sanghyuk couldn’t hear him like that. Minutes later, he heard the entrance door close, and he finally let the sounds of his broken heart out.

* * *

Time went by quickly after they broke up. Zuho constantly received Sanghyuk’s messages but never replied to them. His friends and coworkers knew he read them despite how much it hurt, but they never said anything to him because he always changed the topic. Zuho knew he should stop hurting himself, but he still cared for Sanghyuk despite what had happened. 

Every message contained an apology, and at first it had been only that. Later on he started telling him when there would be another race, or things that had happened during his day, but he always finished the messages with an apology. He checked them every day during his lunch breaks and before going to sleep.

He knew Sanghyuk had graduated with honors from his online college program and that he had gone to celebrate with his parents, but that he would have preferred to celebrate with Zuho. He knew that he had finally lost a race to that new kid that was also very good. He knew that Youngbin had finally gotten a girlfriend. He knew so much about Sanghyuk’s life that it was almost like he wasn’t gone. And then one day the messages stopped coming.

“Why are you staring at your phone Zuho? Go back to work.” His manager said as she walked into the staff room and saw him standing with his phone in hand.

“I haven’t gotten any messages from Sanghyuk hyung since yesterday.” Zuho muttered, reloading his chat with Sanghyuk.

“Maybe he finally tired himself out,” his manager commented, putting her hands on her hips. “Maybe he finally realized you’re not going back to him and decided to give you space, isn’t that a good thing?”

“Yeah…” Zuho replied, but he didn’t sound convinced.

It wasn’t a good thing, because after all he was still in love with Sanghyuk, and he wanted to know if he was okay, if he was doing well. But of course, Sanghyuk didn’t know this, so if he had chosen to give up, there was nothing Zuho could do. He put his phone away and went to work instead.

The call from the hospital came a couple of weeks later. He was about to finish his lunch break when the call came in and he stared at his phone, a little confused. He didn’t recognize the number, and was a little wary about answering, but in the end he decided to pick it up nonetheless.

“Hey Zuho, it’s me, Youngbin, do you remember me?” Zuho’s eyes widened as he heard Youngbin’s voice for the first time in a long while.

“Yes hyung, why are you calling me?” Zuho was a little confused, unsure as to why Youngbin would be calling him at all.

“Sanghyuk was in an accident. He was speeding and lost control of his motorcycle, fortunately nobody else was injured.” Youngbin sighed, and Zuho felt his heart drop inside his chest, “He’s stable now, but still unconscious I believe. You were in his list of people to call in case something happened to him, along with his parents. I know you broke up but he didn’t remove you so…”

“N-No, no, it’s fine,” Zuho’s voice was shaking. “Do you think I can go see him? Would he want to see me there?”

“You’re probably the only person he would like to see, actually,” Youngbin chuckled. “He’s stable so they’re accepting visits, but I must warn you, he looks a little roughened up. Don’t be too surprised.”

“Thank you hyung,” Zuho hung up.

He asked permission from his manager to leave and as soon as he gave her the reason, she let him go. Zuho took a taxi there, heart racing fast as he bit his tongue to not ask the driver to go faster. Sanghyuk was alive, he wasn’t in the best shape but he was alive and stable, and that was all that mattered to him. 

As soon as they made it to the hospital, he ran all the way to the reception and asked for Sanghyuk. Without thinking, he introduced himself as Sanghyuk’s boyfriend and he was quickly let in. Youngbin was sitting next to Sanghyuk’s bed, reading a magazine, when he came in. They quickly exchanged greetings and Youngbin left to give him some space, which Zuho was thankful for.

Zuho sat where Youngbin had been before and observed Sanghyuk. He had broken his right leg on the impact and from what he had heard from the nurses, he also had bruised a rib. Fortunately, it hadn’t caused any more damage and he would recover quickly from it. Still, he was covered in bruises and scratches, and it made Zuho’s heart swell with pain.

“You idiot, how did you end up like this?” Zuho asked, voice shaky.

“Zuho?” A rough voice asked, and Zuho immediately turned to look at Sanghyuk with wide eyes. Sanghyuk had just woken up. He grimaced from the pain, but still turned to look at him. “Am I dreaming? Did I die?”

“Of course not!” Zuho raised his voice slightly. “I’m here, don’t say something so stupid.”

“It was a genuine question, I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again,” Sanghyuk muttered, closing his eyes since the light hurt him. He was tired.

“I honestly still don’t want to see you, but when Youngbin called me I thought I would die from the stress,” Zuho muttered. He had missed Sanghyuk so much, that he could barely be angry.

“I’m sorry for worrying you, I didn’t mean for us to see each other again like this,” Sanghyuk sighed.

“Why were you speeding?” Zuho asked, almost certain about what the answer would be.

“I had another fight with my parents because I haven’t been able to get a job,” Sanghyuk explained. “They wanted me to move back with them but of course I don’t want to.”

“Sanghyuk?” A voice asked from the entrance of the room. Both of them turned to find Sanghyuk’s parents standing there.

“Mom?” Sanghyuk asked as his mother walked decisively towards them.

“Ah, you must be Sanghyuk hyung’s parents,” Zuho said as he stood up and put a hand forward to greet them. “My name is-”

Zuho was cut off as Sanghyuk’s mother slapped him hard on the face, making his head turn to the side. Sanghyuk gasped loudly next to him as his mother breathed heavily, like he had been holding in. Zuho turned to look at her, an expression of disbelief set on his face. He couldn’t believe he had just been slapped by a woman he hadn’t even met before.

“You’re the bastard that was distracting my son from his studies!” She exclaimed, pointing at Zuho.

“Mom! What are you doing?!” Sanghyuk yelled at her, but she ignored him.

“You’re the reason he was struggling so much during his final month and why he wasn’t focusing as much,” she continued. “Now he can’t even get a job, he’s so stressed about it he went and got into an accident, this is all your fault!”

“No it isn’t!” Sanghyuk yelled louder this time. “This is  _ your _ fault mom! And mine for being a coward and always listening to you. You can yell at me and threaten me all you want, but touch Zuho again and I will never again call you mother, ever.” Sanghyuk’s words were final. He was so angry, so done with how he had been treated his whole life.

“But Sanghyuk…” His mother said, surprised.

“Leave,” Sanghyuk said, suddenly tired. “Leave right now, I don’t want either of you here.”

“Sanghyuk, be more reasonable, we’re your parents,” his father said, trying to appease him.

“Leave right now or I’ll call a nurse and it will be a lot more embarrassing for everyone to deal with this like that,” Sanghyuk’s voice was cold and low. “Leave.”

His mother began to cry as his father pulled her along outside the room. Sanghyuk sighed once they had left and dropped his head on the pillows, covering his eyes with one arm to hide his tears. He felt awful for having talked to his parents like that, but he couldn’t stand to see them try to control his life any longer.

“Zuho, please stay…” He muttered.

Zuho was still standing where Sanghyuk’s parents had left him. His cheek was a glowing red and it stung, but it didn’t hurt him nearly as much as seeing Sanghyuk all battered up like that, defeated. Zuho still felt so much for him, and he desperately wanted to fix things. But he didn’t know if there was anything to fix, if they could make their relationship work better.

“I’m really sorry,” Sanghyuk said. “I’ve regretted everything I said to you that night since the moment I said it, I was wrong about everything. My stress, college, my parents… It wasn’t an excuse for how I treated you, and you have no idea how regretful I feel.” Sanghyuk had begun crying silently as he explained this, but he was still covering his eyes. “Please give me a second chance, Zuho, I miss you so much…” Sanghyuk begged.

“I miss you too…” Zuho muttered, and then sighed. “I want you to know I’ve long forgiven you for all of that, even if it hurt a lot back then… but I don’t know if I can give you a second chance. The way you deal with things is not healthy, look at what it brought to you.”

“I know,” Sanghyuk put his arm down, looking Zuho in the eyes. “I don’t want to be like this anymore, I was so scared thinking I was going to die, that I wouldn’t be able to see you anymore… I don’t want that.”

“You idiot, thinking about me even when you thought you were about to die,” Zuho chuckled, but his eyes were also teary.

“How could I not?” Sanghyuk chuckled too. “You’re still the most important person in my life.”

“How do you feel about going to therapy?” Zuho suggested, voice small.

“That won’t look great in my resume…” Sanghyuk shuddered. “God, I just sounded like my mother, disgusting.” He shook his head. “But I won’t have a resume to show if I die from driving like an idiot, so…”

Zuho laughed slightly. It was one of the things he liked about Sanghyuk, that he knew how to lighten up any situation, while simultaneously considering it seriously. He missed that about him. He missed everything about him, and the fact that Sanghyuk was willing to try to become better for him meant a lot.

“Let’s try it out, we can think about dating again when you get better, okay?” Zuho smiled. “I don’t want you to do this for me, I want you to do it for yourself.”

“I will, I promise,” Sanghyuk smiled as well. “But please stay by my side, I need you.”

“I’ll always be here, this time it’s a promise.”

* * *

Working things out ended up being harder that Sanghyuk had expected in the beginning. Due to his broken leg, he couldn’t ride his motorcycle anymore until he recovered, so it forced him to stop going to the races. Zuho went to his apartment almost everyday to help him move around and do things around his house since the bruised rib and broken leg made everything too difficult and painful.

Sanghyuk was anxious most of the time, since he couldn’t run his motorcycle, which was how he usually dealt with stress. There was also the latent tension with his parents, which he hadn’t seen since the fight at the hospital. They understood he didn’t want to see them, and respected that, but his mother had started to send him homemade food as a way of compensation.

When the rib healed and it wasn’t painful to walk around using crutches, they began to look for a therapist. Sanghyuk had been enthusiastic about going at first, but the first few sessions were difficult for him. He didn’t want to talk about his actual problems and would spend all of the session talking about something else instead, while the therapist listened patiently to him.

It took months before Sanghyuk finally opened to her, and by then he wasn’t using the crutches anymore and his leg was already fully healed. He confessed to her his addiction for speed, how it made him feel free to feel the wind hitting against him. How his parents had such control to his life that it had drove him to that. How he had met Youngbin and become friends with him.

“Why do you think running those races makes you feel free?” His therapist asked.

“It just feels liberating, like nothing matters in that moment,” Sanghyuk described, a smile plastered on his face.

“Don’t you think you’re confusing the feeling of adrenaline with freedom?” She asked instead. “Because I don’t see how it can be freeing to do something that you have to keep in secret, don’t you think you’re just running away from your problems?”

“I don’t like how you’re calling me out,” Sanghyuk muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. The therapist laughed.

“My patients usually don’t,” she smiled. “I just think it’s something you should consider, what does freedom mean to you? Is it running all the time, the thrill of being chased? Or is it something else?”

That day Sanghyuk returned to his apartment to find Zuho sitting on his couch. They hadn’t officially started dating again yet, but they spent almost all of their time together, mostly at Sanghyuk’s apartment while he recovered. Sanghyuk sat next to Zuho and leaned on his shoulder. Zuho patted his healthy leg softly and said nothing, just letting him lean on.

Sanghyuk realized that, for once, his heart was not pounding furiously against his chest, asking him to run away from everything, like he couldn’t keep still. He felt calm for once, able to be just there in the moment. His therapist was right. Constantly feeling like he need to be running, rushing somewhere, wasn’t freedom. It was what he had learned from his parents, to always be anxious about his future and his surroundings.

“I think I’m going to quit illegal racing,” Sanghyuk said, not even thinking it through. 

Zuho looked at him in surprise and Sanghyuk returned the surprised look. He didn’t know where that resolution had come from, but it somehow felt right, and that surprised him. Zuho smiled widely and hugged him, tightly. Sanghyuk smiled and hugged him back, feeling like he was finally in the right track.

The next week, before his therapy appointment, they went to give the news to Youngbin. He was a little sad about his best player abandoning the competition, but he was happier about his best friend finally seeking help. He offered to buy his motorcycle, but Sanghyuk wasn’t quite ready for that yet, although he promised to think about it.

“It’s a bit hard, not running,” Sanghyuk confessed to his therapist that day. “I really want to leave it, because it’s just become too dangerous for me, but I still feel the need to do something.”

“That’s understandable,” she nodded. “For someone like you it would be really hard to completely leave it behind, at this point it’s a learned behavior. What we can do though, is regulate it. You should try something that will keep you on your toes without being too dangerous, what do you think of skateboarding?”

“Skateboarding?” Sanghyuk repeated, considering the idea.

The next weekend, he and Zuho went to a skating park to learn to skate. Neither of them knew how to do it, but it ended up being very fun anyway. It did make Sanghyuk feel a little bit of the spark he had felt before when racing, and while it wasn't quite enough, he thought he could definitely get used to it.

They spent almost all the afternoon at the skating park, practicing while falling over and laughing at their mistakes. And then Sanghyuk fell back and just laid there, too tired to get up again. Zuho walked over and crouched next to his head, observing him from above. Sanghyuk smiled at him and Zuho smiled back, before sitting next to him.

“Are you okay?” Zuho asked.

“Yeah, I’m just a little tired, my leg started hurting a little,” Sanghyuk explained, sitting up next to Zuho.

“Be careful with it…” Zuho reminded him, and Sanghyuk smiled.

“Hey, Zuho…” Sanghyuk said, and Zuho hummed in response, letting him know he was listening. “Thank you for being with me, this journey has been rough.”

“I promised you I would be here.” Zuho smiled.

“Would you be my boyfriend again?” Sanghyuk asked, turning to look at him. Zuho turned and their eyes met, and they both smiled.

“I was waiting for you to ask, actually.” Zuho said, smile growing bigger as Sanghyuk exclaimed in victory, just like the first time he had asked him out.

Zuho had to stop him from acting up even more and pulled him closer for a kiss. Sanghyuk smiled, too happy to kiss him properly. He still wasn’t entirely sure what the meaning of freedom was for him, but he knew that Zuho’s lips against his was the closest he had ever been to being free, to being happy, and he hoped he could keep that feeling close to him forever.

**Author's Note:**

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